Low Sexual Desire

Problems with sex can be overwhelming and cause problems in a relationship. In this blog I’m going to look at challenges for women. Next time I’ll cover those for men.

For women, low desire can be very frustrating and confusing. It’s also a problem for her partner, who may have a lot of trouble understanding what is going on. Nearly everything we hear and see says that love and sex go together. So if she isn’t very interested in sex, does that mean she doesn’t love you?

I think about a couple that came in to see me, Judy and Ken (not their real names). It was obvious that they loved each other. But Ken would say things like, “She’s really nice to me, but I’m not sure she really loves me. I mean, she goes along with sex, sometimes, but I can tell that her heart really isn’t into it.”

This is a pretty common scenario. With differences in desire levels for couples, most of the time, the woman has lower desire for sex than the man. Sometimes a lot less. Finding a meeting place involves changes for both of them.

For women, guilt and worries can be a big part of the problem. Women get a lot of training in holding off on sex. Which is fine if you are a young teenager. But when you get older it can really get in the way of being able to relax and enjoy sex.

For Judy this was a big part of her experience growing up in a high work ethic and very religious family. Sex was regarded as a terrible thing outside of marriage. Unfortunately for her, getting married to Ken didn’t change her feelings. I used hypnosis with her to help her get over some of those hangups.

The other difficulty for Judy was knowing how to enjoy sex. That may seem like a strange thing to say, especially to a woman who really likes sex, but if you have trouble getting into the mood, it’s a big deal. When Judy mentioned her problem to a friend she was told, “Oh honey, all you have to do is relax and let nature take over.”

And for most people that’s how it works. Sexual arousal does begin with relaxation. But the problem is that Judy was so worried about pleasing Ken that she couldn’t relax in a sexual situation. I work with this problem by introducing a sense of play and relaxation. It’s important to take the pressure off and have an opportunity to take it easy and relax into sexual pleasure.

I gave both Ken and Judy exercises to relax and begin exploring shared sexual feelings without any expectations or pressure. This gave Judy a chance to begin recognizing pleasurable sexual sensations. The common image in movies is that with a couple of kisses and caresses, a woman will begin moaning with pleasure and desire. With most women it doesn’t work that way, and that was certainly true for Judy.

During her practice sessions with Ken at home, Judy started to notice those subtle, pleasant feelings that indicated she was getting turned on. In the office we discussed those feelings and used some hypnosis to have her recognize and accept those feelings. After all, as a child she had a lot of training in suppressing even the slightest sexual feelings. Now as an adult it was time to embrace getting turned on and enjoying those feelings.

As they worked on the sexual side of their relationship, Ken had to make some changes too. He had to recognize that Judy really loved him, even without getting wildly passionate. He learned how to take it slower with her and emphasize romantic feelings more that sexual ones. After a while they found a meeting place where both of them were satisfied. Judy started liking sex and Ken felt loved by her, even without wild jungle sex.

There are also physical causes of these problems. First of all there is medication. For both men and women, drugs for depression are well known for making it difficult to get interested in sex and then to enjoy sex once you get started. But there are many other types of drugs that interfere with sexual feelings and performance.

This is a double whammy for women since depression is often at the root of a woman’s lack of desire and difficulty achieving orgasm. Then when she takes anti-depressant medication, her mood lifts, but now the medication gets in the way of enjoying sex. I work with doctors in helping patients with sexual problems related to medication. Sometimes a different medication can be effective without reducing sexual desire.

Proper hormone balance is a an important aspect of a woman’s sexual desire. As women age their hormones can diminish and low desire is often the result. Many women are unaware they have a natural testosterone levels just like men do, except women’s testosterone levels are, of course, lower. When I am seeing a woman for low desire I generally request that she see her doctor or I refer her to one of the doctors I enjoy working with, even if she is a younger woman. Sexual desire is both mental and physical and it is wise to cover both the mind and the body.

If you are experiencing low desire don’t struggle with it for years as some women have. Know that help is available and that many women have over come this issue and gone on to a happy sex life. Please feel free to contact me at my San Diego office at 858-273-2980