Monday, August 16, 2010

COUNSELING CAN HELP YOU STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

by               
Karen J. Gless, Ph.D.

There is more to counseling than communication. Too often I work with individuals or couples who are having difficulty because they can’t stand up for themselves.  Those who can’t ask for a raise or deal with obnoxious people at work may end up sabotaging projects and their own career without being aware of it. Learning to be assertive helps them express themselves more effectively and accomplish more.

Couples may undermine each other because they can’t state what they want clearly and comfortably.  This leads to passive-aggressive behavior where frustration and hurt are expressed by forgetting an important anniversary or burning the dinner.  Simple assertiveness can help partners communicate their wants and needs as well as understand each other better.

Julia came in for counseling because she was having problems with her family and at work.  At home Julia used to be proud of being a super mom.  But now that her sweet preteens were becoming demanding teens, she was ready to scream, “I quit!” It seems she never had time for herself.  She said her husband was a good man but she was beginning to wish he would do more around the house. 

On the job she felt overworked and ignored and at home she felt underappreciated and misunderstood.   She was a hard worker, put in long hours and had a lot of responsibility.  In fact, she said, she had too many responsibilities. At work and she said she was afraid to say anything because she didn’t want her boss to be upset or possibly even fire her.

The first thing Julia had to learn in counseling is that being assertive is not the same as attacking other people. Her problems stemmed from her fear of being assertive.  She thought being assertive was being impolite, pushy and selfish, even angry.  What she didn’t know was that in fact being assertive, when done right, considers the other person’s feelings and conveys respect for yourself and for others. 

In counseling Julia learned that there are times to be assertive and times to use other approaches.  Sometimes being accepting, supportive, agreeable and tolerant are better responses but it is important to know how to be assertive when you need to be. 

It began with showing Julia how to be more comfortable with herself and then how to be assertive.  Naturally for counseling Julia decided that the first place she wanted to be assertive was at home where she felt most confident.

She began by thinking about what she really wanted and decided that she wanted her husband to do more around the house.  Then before she talked to him she imagined herself presenting her ideas so she could have them organized in a way that they could be understood and listened to.  In speaking with Tom she stated her full position so as to avoid the “hint-hint” approach to communication.  Her voice was firm, pleasant and comfortable.  She asked for what she wanted and it was clear to Tom that she really needed him to pitch in.

Julia was elated to tell in her next counseling session that in the discussion she didn’t giving in or agree to something she didn’t want.  It was the first time she was able to express her own ideas as well as considering her husband’s—and he actually started doing more of the household chores.

Now Julia was ready to take the next step.  She was ready to try her skills out at work because counseling is really about your life.  Again, she thought about what she really wanted so she could present her position to her boss clearly.  She knew she deserved a raise and needed extra help on the job.

Julia chose a moment when her boss had time to pay attention to her to use all the new skills she had mastered in counseling.  She kept her voice firm and stated the topics she wished to discuss at the beginning of the meeting.  She was careful not to hint about her position but to state it clearly.  She maintained eye contact and made sure she was not giving mixed messages.  She was specific in her request for a raise and was open to hearing his opinions while standing up for what she wanted.

Julia got the extra help she needed at work and got a raise to boot!  Julia is now a firm believer in self assertion at the right time.  Thanks to counseling she has gotten a lot out of learning assertiveness skills—a happier family life and a better work place! Then before she called the family meeting she imagined herself presenting her ideas so she could have them organized in a way that they could be understood and listened to.  Then at the family meeting she stated her full position so as to avoid the “hint-hint” approach to communication.  Her voice was firm though pleasant and comfortable.  She asked for what she wanted and it was clear to her family that she was seeking a specific outcome. 

Julia was elated to say to me later that in the family discussion she found herself not giving in and nor agreeing to something she didn’t want.  She said for the first time it was truly a family discussion where she was able to express her own ideas as well as considering those of her children and her husband’s.   With a little more success under her belt with self assertion Julia was ready to take the next step.  She was ready to try her skills out at work.

First she thought about what she wanted and organized her thinking so she could present her position to her boss clearly.  She decided on a moment when her boss would have time to pay attention to her.   Julia kept her voice firm and stated the topic she wished to discuss at the beginning of her conversation.  She was careful not to hint about her position but to disclose it fully.  She was able to maintain a comfortable level of eye contact and was sure she was not giving mixed messages between her verbal and her body language.    Julia was specific in her request, she was able to ask for what she wanted by knowing and stating what outcome she was looking for.   She knew that she needed to be fair so she was open to hearing his opinions but was willing to stand up for what she was requesting. 

Julia got the extra help she needed at work and got a raise to boot!  Julia is now a firm believer in self assertion at the right time.  She has gotten a lot out of learning these skills.  A happier family life and a better work place!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Low Sexual Desire

Problems with sex can be overwhelming and cause problems in a relationship. In this blog I’m going to look at challenges for women. Next time I’ll cover those for men.

For women, low desire can be very frustrating and confusing. It’s also a problem for her partner, who may have a lot of trouble understanding what is going on. Nearly everything we hear and see says that love and sex go together. So if she isn’t very interested in sex, does that mean she doesn’t love you?

I think about a couple that came in to see me, Judy and Ken (not their real names). It was obvious that they loved each other. But Ken would say things like, “She’s really nice to me, but I’m not sure she really loves me. I mean, she goes along with sex, sometimes, but I can tell that her heart really isn’t into it.”

This is a pretty common scenario. With differences in desire levels for couples, most of the time, the woman has lower desire for sex than the man. Sometimes a lot less. Finding a meeting place involves changes for both of them.

For women, guilt and worries can be a big part of the problem. Women get a lot of training in holding off on sex. Which is fine if you are a young teenager. But when you get older it can really get in the way of being able to relax and enjoy sex.

For Judy this was a big part of her experience growing up in a high work ethic and very religious family. Sex was regarded as a terrible thing outside of marriage. Unfortunately for her, getting married to Ken didn’t change her feelings. I used hypnosis with her to help her get over some of those hangups.

The other difficulty for Judy was knowing how to enjoy sex. That may seem like a strange thing to say, especially to a woman who really likes sex, but if you have trouble getting into the mood, it’s a big deal. When Judy mentioned her problem to a friend she was told, “Oh honey, all you have to do is relax and let nature take over.”

And for most people that’s how it works. Sexual arousal does begin with relaxation. But the problem is that Judy was so worried about pleasing Ken that she couldn’t relax in a sexual situation. I work with this problem by introducing a sense of play and relaxation. It’s important to take the pressure off and have an opportunity to take it easy and relax into sexual pleasure.

I gave both Ken and Judy exercises to relax and begin exploring shared sexual feelings without any expectations or pressure. This gave Judy a chance to begin recognizing pleasurable sexual sensations. The common image in movies is that with a couple of kisses and caresses, a woman will begin moaning with pleasure and desire. With most women it doesn’t work that way, and that was certainly true for Judy.

During her practice sessions with Ken at home, Judy started to notice those subtle, pleasant feelings that indicated she was getting turned on. In the office we discussed those feelings and used some hypnosis to have her recognize and accept those feelings. After all, as a child she had a lot of training in suppressing even the slightest sexual feelings. Now as an adult it was time to embrace getting turned on and enjoying those feelings.

As they worked on the sexual side of their relationship, Ken had to make some changes too. He had to recognize that Judy really loved him, even without getting wildly passionate. He learned how to take it slower with her and emphasize romantic feelings more that sexual ones. After a while they found a meeting place where both of them were satisfied. Judy started liking sex and Ken felt loved by her, even without wild jungle sex.

There are also physical causes of these problems. First of all there is medication. For both men and women, drugs for depression are well known for making it difficult to get interested in sex and then to enjoy sex once you get started. But there are many other types of drugs that interfere with sexual feelings and performance.

This is a double whammy for women since depression is often at the root of a woman’s lack of desire and difficulty achieving orgasm. Then when she takes anti-depressant medication, her mood lifts, but now the medication gets in the way of enjoying sex. I work with doctors in helping patients with sexual problems related to medication. Sometimes a different medication can be effective without reducing sexual desire.

Proper hormone balance is a an important aspect of a woman’s sexual desire. As women age their hormones can diminish and low desire is often the result. Many women are unaware they have a natural testosterone levels just like men do, except women’s testosterone levels are, of course, lower. When I am seeing a woman for low desire I generally request that she see her doctor or I refer her to one of the doctors I enjoy working with, even if she is a younger woman. Sexual desire is both mental and physical and it is wise to cover both the mind and the body.

If you are experiencing low desire don’t struggle with it for years as some women have. Know that help is available and that many women have over come this issue and gone on to a happy sex life. Please feel free to contact me at my San Diego office at 858-273-2980